10 Lies of Fall: Part 2

So, obviously this posting is late.  I mean if you are a calendar season-chooser we are waaaay past the winter solstice so I know I’ve missed the fall train (for the record I am more of an emotional season chooser- which means winter started when some crazy lady tried to push me over in a Bath and Body Works for some Vanilla Bean Noel lotion). But I figured better late than never, right? 

Myth  6:  I cannot wait to drink all the pumpkin flavored things!

Okay, I get it. Fall is the actual season for all types of squash but surely pumpkin is the most egotistical of them all.  Moving their big orange ass in all the regular foods for an entire season! I mean really?!  My entire life for ten weeks is denying this shitty flavoring in my already delicious foods.

  “Would you like a pump of our Pumpkin Spice in your mocha?”  “No, thanks”

“You are getting a regular break on your sandwich.  How about adding our holiday Pumpkin bread instead?”   “Uhh, no.”

“How about a pumpkin cookie instead of the holy grail of cookies (chocolate chip)”    “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!!!”

Besides, any flavor worth talking about is available all year.  Sure, pumpkins are only in season for a bit but so are strawberries and I can get that flavor pumped into any smoothie, pop tart or ice cream I want because it is a front stage flavor.  Not like pumpkin.  Which is sort of like that ex boyfriend  you had who said he was in “street-pharmaceuticals”.  After you gave him up for a few months, you thought it would be a good idea to hang out again.  Piece of Advice: ALWAYS A MISTAKE.

Myth 7:   Hoodie Weather!

You know what; I love a good hoodie just like anyone else.  Comfy, cozy and giving me the irresistible body shape of a marshmallow when you put it in the microwave.  But, this little ode to hoodies only counts for zip-ups in my case because my head is the size of large deformed watermelon.  You may ask “But Brittney, how have you been able to find friends, maintain healthy relationships and wear hats?” What a great question, thanks to the beauty of the curly fro, people are unaware of my deformity (and I don’t wear hats).  However, nothing can slam me back to reality quite like the pull-over hoodie.  This think is apparently made for people with regular sized noggins, which is NOT ME! Pulling those things over this head is like suffocating in a sea of cotton for a thirty seconds while it feels like my head is being birthed into a new world.  Oh, did that sentence make you uncomfortable? I assure you it is only 12% as uncomfortable as putting on a hoodie makes me!

Myth 8:  I can’t wait to get all pre-industrial with it and pick my own apples!

Okay, first off I love apples.  They are delicious and have cool names like Jazz, Fuji and Honeycrisp (all top picks for my first born).  Also, if you are low on drug money, eat one before you go to sleep and watch the most warped tripped out dreams your subconscious can construct come to realization.   But I also discovered this thing called a grocery store, where they pile up a shit-ton of these multicolored orbs and let me have the one of my choosing! On the plus side, you can self-checkout this shit and charge it as bananas! 54 cents a pound? I think yes!

But if you are a sadist, I suppose you can go and pick your own apples.  Trying to maneuver your way through a fucking maze (see #3) and pick your own food sounds like something that was designated as a modern day torture mechanism or like you just stepped into a time machine and (of all places) went to ride on the Oregon trial.  Good luck with that apple picking when your oxen dies of bad water and you break and axle.

Myth 9: Let’s go to the scariest haunted house ever, it’s going to be so much fun!

I have a love/hate relationship with haunted houses.  I always think it’s a good idea and then I get inside and feel like I’m going to die. Not like a “hahahahaha oh my gaud guys! That was so scary; I thought I was going to have a heart attack hahaha.” I mean like “Holy Shit, didn’t I see a news report of a serial killer who recently escaped from a local prison? Well, at least he had a nasty scar on his face so he is easily identifiable.  I mean where could he even hide with that kind of scar…..I mean some of the people in this place look like they have scars but it’s clearly makeu….WHAT THE FUCK? WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!” And that ladies and gentlemen, is how I make my haunted house exits-every time!

Myth 10: My carved pumpkin is going to live forever!

This is obviously a really personal topic since Pumpkinachi has been gone for a few weeks now.  No, it’s not because I was a great creator/friend to my carved squash friend but because one of my neighbors got tired of the new gang of quite volatile raccoon hanging out by our front door.  But here’s a picture of Pumpkinachi as he was and what he became all because of this EFFING season!

Fall took everything from him. Even his EYEBALLS!

Thanks for reading all! I am actually going to be posting weekly stories now.  So if you have any ideas be sure to leave a comment and I’ll definitely blog about it!

Peace!

The 10 LIES of Fall: Part 1

So, the other day my roommate called me a cynic and that made me pretty pissed off!  I mean I AM A NICE PERSON, OKAY!  But it got me to thinking about all the things I don’t like about life.  After I moved past all the drivers in the world,  those stickers on the edge of dvds and the lady who keeps turning off the light on me in the bathroom at work (I KNOW YOU KNOW I’M IN THERE) I ended up at fall.

Seeing how November just barricaded its way into my comfortable life, I thought I would address some of the interesting epiphanies I experienced this fall.  Every year it is the same bull crap about how wonderful fall is and how everyone is so excited to do all those unique fall things.  I’m calling bullshit.  Please read further for explanations about the myths of fall.   

Also, to anyone who thinks it is too early to talk about what I hated about fall- get OVER it.  Fall really only exists in October.   November is just a filler month to let you freak out about Christmas.  I mean thanksgiving is only getting like 30 minutes this year because black Friday stars at 7:00pm on Thursday! Outrageous!

Myth #1: I can’t wait for those beautiful leaves!

While jumping in brightly colored leaves seems like an exhilarating experience, any person over the age of 9 seen doing that is legally obligated to be judged.  Also, leaves don’t fall in perfectly shaped mounds off cloud-like fluff begging to be jumped on. You have to rake until your arms literally feel like they are going to fall off and then to have some kid jump in and destroy all the work you just did?! OH H-to-the-ELL NO! Especially, since that kid might land on one of the razor like tree branches that you also raked or some dog poop (gross).  Lastly, leaves outdoors mean leaves all up and around your carpeted house.  Fact: I spend 99% more of my time vacuuming up leaves than noticing their beauty (everything looks like brown dust in a bissle).

Myth #2: Carving pumpkins is going to be awesome!          

Now, I would like to preface this by saying- I do love a good Pumpkin carving party or PCP if you like acronyms (or are a drug addict). I mean you get to make a mess and craft something fantastic and pass it off as doing it for the kids.  But you know what happens roughly six days after you pour your heart and soul into this piece of holiday squash?! It starts to mold and die!  This does not fall into the fun category for me.

Myth #3: I cannot wait to go through this CORN MAZE!

Corn mazes have about 7-10 minutes of entertainment factor before anarchy breaks loose. Around minutes 12-15 you are panicking because you have no idea how to read a map and your cell phone gets no reception in a field of corn.  During minutes 17-20, you are considering what kind of shelter you can build out of corn but you can’t come up with any viable ideas because Survivor was never held in a corn maze.  Minutes 25-28, you are choosing which of your friends you will kill first to eat and keep the group alive.  And if you have to continue for more than 31+ minutes, you hope that kid Malachi from Children of the Corn comes and kills your for sacrifice to that scarecrow god because at this point, that would be a sweet release.

Myth #4: Dressing up for Halloween is going to be the best!

This one is the most depressing because when you were a child you were rewarded for a costume through free treats at strangers house (which on any day other than Halloween is complete unacceptable and uncomfortable). But when you get older, Trick or Treating is DEAD!  Now, you have to dress up to go out to a heavily crowded bar where everyone else dressed up but you have no idea what anyone is because you don’t have cable and there are too many pop culture references.  Then you have fourteen people ask you if you are something (Nicki Minaj) which you are CLEARLY not.  Your try to drown you sorrows in another cup of some watered down vodka drink while truly wishing you were at home  eating a whole bag of assorted chocolates while watching SVU. Hmmm…that might just be me.

Myth #5: It’s Candy Corn time!

Okay, so candy corn seems like a great idea.  All those festive colors, that adorable little shape and don’t even get me started on the pumpkin ones.  But, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.    If you eat 10 candy corns, your mouth taste like you coated it with corn syrup, molasses and sugar.   This is actually a genius ploy by the candy company because now the only things that will taste normal are MORE CANDY CORN! But beware, at 17 candy corns you are looking a pre-diabetes diagnosis, any more than 25, and we are on losing limb territory.

So, I have a few more myths I want to bust through but in order to keep my rant at a dull roar.  I decided to stick to 5 today.  Oh, and Christmas if you think your safe…you are wrong! Your time is swiftly approaching!

Happy Monday!

Ps. This blog entry is dedicated to my recently carved pumpkin.  My beautiful pumpkin-Pumpkinachi is currently molding to death on my porch. THANKS FALL!

RIP PUMPKINACHI: October 30^th –sometime early next week