Now, don’t get me wrong. I love a lot of things that come
with Christmas:
- Food I didn't have to cook
- Presents I didn't have to buy
- Work I didn't have to go to
But Christmas is just not the same after you find out Santa
Claus isn’t real. You remember...Let’s
go back to the days of the mythical fat
man squeezing his way down your chimney.
Let’s say your eight, your parents tell you that your only job tonight
is to make sure you leave some cookies for Santa and go to bed early so he won’t
see you!
Okay kids, hold on to these low expectations because you
will NEVER again have to fulfill such low standards ever again. In fact, when I was a kid, I wasn’t even
allowed to use the oven. So making Santa some cookie treats was STUPID easy. My
grandma baked them and I put it on a plate and then went to sleep! But being the stellar child I
was, I could NEVER effing sleep. I just
sat there and though about how awesome the next day was going to be. Yet, at some point reality creeps in (and by
reality I mean a portly 5th grader who laughed at you for talking
about Santa at recess. THANKS LYDIA!). And she tells you, that Santa isn’t
real.
There you are, stripped away from this magical world of
elves and flying animals and shoved into a world of just free toys. Guess, what? That still rocks. It is not until you find out that you are
being trained to be Santa that life really goes downhill. Because
Santa doesn’t in fact have a factory of vertically challenged people working day
and night to create exactly what the kids want (but Nike did). Oooh noooo…you have to travel out to a place
that isn’t unbelievable in the way of the North pole but more so unbelievable
in the way of a sweat shop. The Mall. The place where you thought dreams would
come true when you were thirteen drinking slurpees with your friends but where
you actually see dreams have died when you are an adult. So, read on and check out
why I hate the mall at Christmas.
5. Limited supply of Christmas Songs: Thank the birthday of baby Jesus that online
shopping is really taking off but I have no faith I will ever be able to do
everything at home. Why, you ask? Because I’m lazy and have a perpetual need to
choose three year old episode of True Life over Christmas shopping. I also like
being able to eat and not wear pants when “running” errands (apparently, that
is not socially acceptable). But when I
finally must make that trek, is it really too much to ask that EVERY FLIPPING
STORE DOESN'T GET THEIR CHRISTMAS MUSIC FROM THE SAME PLACE?! I mean,
seriously? Every time I have to listen
to Destiny’s Child “On the first day of Christmas” I get physically angry. Is this the ONLY song people care about? That
band isn't even together anymore and we are still playing it? And then, there
is Jingle Bell Rock which makes me hate myself every time I sing along.
The really interesting thing, is that the
only music I never hear when I’m shopping is the classics. Can I get some White Christmas? How about a
little We Wish You a Merry Christmas? I will even take a snippet of some carol
bells.
I suppose the mall doesn't believe that
music is cool to shop too? But trust me, nobody looks cool buying a box set and
singing along to Feliz Navid. NOBODY.
4. 4. Boxed Sets: Speaking of box sets, it there
anything else that can scream I don’t know you and you probably smell bad like
a box set. And they are incredibly
misleading. You look at this box and see
a beacon of hope- you can completely finish shopping for a person with one trip
and this shit is already in a box! Thank
you birthday Jesus! BUT NO, they are actually a terrible waste of time. This past season, I struggled to find logic
behind most of these situations. First, you have the ones that make no fucking
sense. For example, a miniature box that
held bottle of hand sanitizer with a card attached that said “Let’s Party!”
Wait a minute. WHAT?! I don’t understand
the situation that calls for this but being the overactive imaginative human
being I am- I attempted to create a few.
a.
You are having an AWESOME Christmas party but
you are about to have a lot of people over, who you know for a fact are iffy
about completely washing their hands.
You know…”one of those run it under the water and dry” people or “if no
one is looking, it’s fine” people. To
add to the issue of your guest list, you were planning on having a lot of grab
your own treats like trail mix and popcorn and m&m’s. Unfortunately you
have just been robbed of all your utensils and you think it would be in bad
taste to have everyone risk enjoying this tasty treats with trace amounts of
urine. SO you send all your invites with
a hand sanitizer. What a perfect solution.
b.
You want to have sex with someone but you think
they might have herpes. You also had one
of the lowest grades in sex education history.
c.
You bought it as a joke. THIS IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON!
My other favorite box set is the one that
screams “WHO ARE YOU?!” It always comes
with some type of soap and lotion because everyone showers, right? Then they
add something like a candle for relaxation, I suppose. Then, it gets weird. Let’s also add a pair of fleece socks an eye
mask and a Swiss army knife for good measure. I did come up with the perfect scenario
for this but some thoughts should be kept to oneself.
So THANKS FOR NOTHING BOXED
4. Creepy Actors: Okay, so you are going to be a
good parent/brother/sister/estranged aunt and take your kid(s) to the mall and get some
pictures with an old man playing dress up-Santa Claus. Don’t deny it, you know I’m right. But that guy has been looking pretty
legit. I cannot recall the last cracked
out Santa I encountered. However, what is with his spirited assistants? There are
two types: The one who clearly was two Smirnoff shots away from black out
territory a mere four hours ago. You can
tell this person because if you stand close to them and close your eyes
instincts take over and you try to find your rape whistle. Then, you have the
other helper who looks like work-release was the last option for this guy. He seems shifty and nervous…you know like someone
who might KIDNAP YOUR CHILD. And if these people don’t weird you out enough,
they are dressed up as ELVES for crying out loud. But maybe I’m being too hard
on them. Maybe they are just trying to live out their dreams of becoming music
therapist or an actor? In fact if any one of them wants to be famous, they can
apply for the insanely popular shows Intervention or even better Chris Hanson’s
How to Catch a Predator.
2.
Completely unrelated stuff that has nothing to do with the Holidays AT
ALL: When you walk into a mall during Christmas
time, there are things you expect to see like Christmas trees (or holiday trees
if you are offended easily), fake Santa Claus, Salvation Army ringers and
carolers if you live in 1950. But
somehow, all this other sneaky shit creeps its way into the local mall trying
to pass as Christmas themed but it is not! Things that I have seen this season
are as follows: a train for kids, two cars, a roasted nut stand, a workout
pool, Jacuzzi tub with a built in radio and a guy who makes customized
spray-painted t-shirts. What? And how do
they get away with this, you may ask.
Well, the train is red and green
on it, the cars have a sign that says “Tis
the season”, the workout pool is there to remind you that you are getting
fat from eating all those holiday treats,
the Jacuzzi is there to remind you how broke you are going to be after your Christmas shopping, the nut stand ….umm I really got nothing, and
the t-shirt guy and spray-paint ANYTHING on that T-shirt including a Christmas Tree, baby Jesus, Grown-Man Jesus,
a wise man…you know whatever gets you in the Christmas spirit.
With this kind of solid Christmas logic, I
need to create my own display for the holiday season. I’ll use my favorite things: Transformers, avocados
and pajamas. I’m thinking something like a battle between pajama wearing
autobots and decpticons where their only weapons are delicious avocados. Doesn’t sound Christmasy? Well I’ll put a
Christmas tree in the middle, spray it with a pine sent and then for 19.99 I’ll
put it in a box set for you. BOOM!
1.
Guilt: But all other loathsome mall events
aside, one thing the mall will never send you home without this holiday season
is guilt. First, the guilt that you don’t know your friends and family well
enough to know what they like. You know
this because you spent the last two hours looking box sets and settled on a
VISA gift card. Second, the guilt that you hate everyone else shopping. To me, it seems like everyone shopping within
my vicinity was abandoned in the woods and raised by unaffectionate but thrifty
wolves. Why? Because they are vicious,
always complaining about prices and it seems to be the first time they have
never used a register EVER. “No, ma’am you have to wait to slide your card. Okay, it’s ready now go ahead and slide.” “BUT I ALREADY SLID MY CARD! AM I GETTING
CHARGED TWICE?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS? I THINK I SHOULD GET A COUPON FOR BEING
CRAZY!”
But nothing with ever compare to the guilt that washes over me when I don’t
have money for the bell ringers. Jeez
Louis, talk about soul crushing. They
have been sitting out in the cold all day volunteering their hours for money to
help the less fortunate, ringing that incessant bell over and over and OVER
again. And the walk up to them isn’t so bad, you do the “Hi, I’m gonna get you
on my way out” smile. Then, those
automatic doors open to the sound of the bell-still going strong and you
realize as you dig in your pocket all you have is a piece of gum and a receipt from
Taco Bell and something sticky- all completely unacceptable for that shiny red
bucket. You panic and you decide to rush to your car and not look up. Ooooh but they see you and they shout after
you “MERRY CHRISTMAS and GOD BLESS”
. Talk about a punch to the face. I don’t
feel guilty about a lot of things but that guilt sticks with me for like 45
seconds or until I hear my favorite song on the radio.
Well, that’s it folks. Luckily,
the Christmas season is over- tis the season to make your mantra “New Year, New
You!”. But alas this is also something I would love to blog about so keep your
eye out for my next blog post called: New Year, New You? Don’t you mean three
weeks of self denial?
Alrighty guys, till next time! Ps. This post is dedicated to my BFFL
Amandanator who is starting her first week at a new job! What? That’s right
folks- I only hang with ballers.
Peace.
