So, obviously this posting is late. I mean if you are a calendar season-chooser we
are waaaay past the winter solstice so I know I’ve missed the fall train (for
the record I am more of an emotional season chooser- which means winter started
when some crazy lady tried to push me over in a Bath and Body Works for some
Vanilla Bean Noel lotion). But I figured better late than never, right?
Myth 6: I cannot wait to drink all the pumpkin
flavored things!
Okay, I get it. Fall is the actual season for all types of
squash but surely pumpkin is the most egotistical of them all. Moving their big orange ass in all the
regular foods for an entire season! I mean really?! My entire life for ten weeks is denying this
shitty flavoring in my already delicious foods.
“Would you like a
pump of our Pumpkin Spice in your mocha?”
“No, thanks”
“You are getting a regular break on your sandwich. How about adding our holiday Pumpkin bread
instead?” “Uhh, no.”
“How about a pumpkin cookie instead of the holy grail of
cookies (chocolate chip)” “FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD, NO!!!”
Besides, any flavor worth talking about is available all
year. Sure, pumpkins are only in season
for a bit but so are strawberries and I can get that flavor pumped into any
smoothie, pop tart or ice cream I want because it is a front stage flavor. Not like pumpkin. Which is sort of like that ex boyfriend you had who said he was in “street-pharmaceuticals”. After you gave him up for a few months, you
thought it would be a good idea to hang out again. Piece of Advice: ALWAYS A MISTAKE.
Myth 7: Hoodie
Weather!
You know what; I love a good hoodie just like anyone else. Comfy, cozy and giving me the irresistible body
shape of a marshmallow when you put it in the microwave. But, this little ode to hoodies only counts
for zip-ups in my case because my head is the size of large deformed watermelon. You may ask “But Brittney, how have you been
able to find friends, maintain healthy relationships and wear hats?” What a
great question, thanks to the beauty of the curly fro, people are unaware of my
deformity (and I don’t wear hats).
However, nothing can slam me back to reality quite like the pull-over
hoodie. This think is apparently made
for people with regular sized noggins, which is NOT ME! Pulling those things
over this head is like suffocating in a sea of cotton for a thirty seconds
while it feels like my head is being birthed into a new world. Oh, did that sentence make you uncomfortable?
I assure you it is only 12% as uncomfortable as putting on a hoodie makes me!
Myth 8: I can’t wait
to get all pre-industrial with it and pick my own apples!
Okay, first off I love apples. They are delicious and have cool names like
Jazz, Fuji and Honeycrisp (all top picks for my first born). Also, if you are low on drug money, eat one
before you go to sleep and watch the most warped tripped out dreams your subconscious
can construct come to realization. But
I also discovered this thing called a grocery store, where they pile up a
shit-ton of these multicolored orbs and let me have the one of my choosing! On
the plus side, you can self-checkout this shit and charge it as bananas! 54
cents a pound? I think yes!
But if you are a sadist, I suppose you can go and pick your
own apples. Trying to maneuver your way
through a fucking maze (see #3) and pick your own food sounds like something
that was designated as a modern day torture mechanism or like you just stepped
into a time machine and (of all places) went to ride on the Oregon trial. Good luck with that apple picking when your oxen
dies of bad water and you break and axle.
Myth 9: Let’s go to the scariest haunted house ever, it’s
going to be so much fun!
I have a love/hate relationship with haunted houses. I always think it’s a good idea and then I
get inside and feel like I’m going to die. Not like a “hahahahaha oh my gaud
guys! That was so scary; I thought I was going to have a heart attack hahaha.”
I mean like “Holy Shit, didn’t I see a news report of a serial killer who
recently escaped from a local prison? Well, at least he had a nasty scar on his
face so he is easily identifiable. I
mean where could he even hide with that kind of scar…..I mean some of the
people in this place look like they have scars but it’s clearly makeu….WHAT THE
FUCK? WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!” And that ladies and gentlemen, is how I make my
haunted house exits-every time!
Myth 10: My carved pumpkin is going to live forever!
This is obviously a really personal topic since Pumpkinachi
has been gone for a few weeks now. No,
it’s not because I was a great creator/friend to my carved squash friend but
because one of my neighbors got tired of the new gang of quite volatile raccoon hanging out by our front door. But here’s
a picture of Pumpkinachi as he was and what he became all because of this
EFFING season!
 |
| Fall took everything from him. Even his EYEBALLS! |
Thanks for reading all! I am actually going to be posting
weekly stories now. So if you have any
ideas be sure to leave a comment and I’ll definitely blog about it!
Peace!
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