July- The Death of the New Year's Resolution

So, it's almost August! That's kinda bonkers, right?! Birds are chirping, flowers are springing and I found something called a wolf spider on my sweater last night. Just effing peachy!

I'd put a picture up for everyone but honestly when I typed that crap into google images, I felt like this OMG chair.


 So, let's just move forward.

Because  there is a more important discussion to be had than the massive arachnids trying to weasel their way into my living quarters. Lets talk New Year's Resolutions.

Now, if you are a regular individual, three things are probably running through your head.

1. Aren't you a little early for New Year's Resolutions? 
2. Are people still doing those?
3. What does Resolution mean? (Seriously, the literacy rate in this country is tragic-but that's neither here nor there) 

Okay, just to preface, I am not on crack  (because it's whack) and I don't want to talk about your New Year's Resolutions for 2014 because honestly we might all be dead because of the zombie apocalypse   And I'm not one of those "Put all my eggs in one basket" types. We are here to talk about your dead resolutions. 

Yeah. I said it. Dead.

DEAD!

Let's face it, resolutions are like saying "These are the plans that are probably only going to come into realization if the internet shuts down for a year and someone closes my local food mart. Forever." So, right now I'm going to go through my top five resolutions and why they suck so hard.  So you don't feel bad about killing your dreams for the year five months in. 

1. Eat Healthy/ Live at the Gym: Oh holy baby Jesus.  It is the holy grail of New Year's resolutions. And here is the part about it that I hate-it is like a given for 95% of the population to be down for this every year!!  So, like clock work there are 29 million people in my gym imagining themselves bikini ready for summer because they are having this post holiday feeling.

All the while the winter weather literally strikes up a deal with the devil to make you believe summer doesn't exists  anymore.  

You ever see that movie 30 days of night? Where Josh Harnet and some chick have to avoid getting eaten by vampires for a long ass time but it's hard because umm...well... there are 30 effing days of night. That basically describes the months of December through March for me.  Except instead of getting eaten by vampires, I'm worried the skinny people at the gym are going to eat me.

....is that weird? Nevermind. 

2. I'm going to be Martha Steward Organized: Now this is a daunting task because Martha Steward is like crazy organized.  I have a theory she doesn't even know what clutter is- she probably thinks it is in the same realm as unicorns and the boogyman. Basically, she has her shit together (minus that brief prison stint). 

But the problem is, in order for me to get organized, I have to start organizing my shit and that is a nightmare.  Last year, I found an unopened Jolt Cola in my closet.  Oh, you never heard of Jolt Cola? That's probably because they filled for bankruptcy in 2009. 

And anyway, getting organized is so overrated.  EVERYONE wants to be organized.  But you, you can be different.  You can give the middle finger to Crate & Barrel and set all of those drawer organizers on fire.  You can be the individual who a robber can't even steal from because they can't find anything! YOU CAN BE THE NEXT FEATURE ON TLC'S HOARDERS!

I'm just saying, dream big.

3.  I'm going to actually finish my task list:  I was about to checking finishing this blog of my task list but...then I found the gif of this monkey.  Whoops.

Ps. What do you think this monkey in the front it thinking about? Mambo #5? Beyonce's Single Ladies? "Too the windooooooowww, To the walls!" 

Worst Texting Advice You Will Ever Receive

Let me preface this document by saying, there is nothing I won't type into the Google search bar.  I mean NOTHING.  Because after a while, I am weak when it comes to useless information and curiosity.  It would be misleading for me to let you think I was researching the evolution of String Theory when I was actually looking up all the actors of Different Strokes on IMDB.

So, the other day I was perusing my favorite search engine and I thought I would find out what the world says about texting a guy back.  You can laugh if you want (I WANT YOU TO!).  I mean I'm 24 years old and I have the same amount of game as my 9 year old brother.  And he has *chicklet teeth.  So, I wanted to see what are some generic tips on how to text someone. Honestly, I felt like I was overusing my favorite phases of Okie Dokie and Coolio.

So, here I am.  With the privacy of my home and the security of the "clear browser history" button at my finger tips, I type "texting dudes". Clearly, we are already starting off on the right foot. Anyways, the first hit on Google is from a website called Betty Confidential titled "5 Savy Text Messages to Drive Any Guy Crazy." Sounds great, right? Honestly, my first thought was "I hope they don't mean like Chris Brown/domestic battery crazy?" Luckily, I was correct.  However, this website lends some of the WORST ADVICE EVER. And you know it has to be bad when it is coming from a girl who thinks the US needs to stop trying to send shit up into space and work on my fucking refrigerator-microwave*.

But no need to take my opinion-lets have a look together.

#5: "Who is this?" Essentially this little one is supposed to "throw them off their game"

What the hell are you talking about? Sure, it might throw someone off their game if that means thinking they accidentially texted their mom. Or that that you all of a sudden went 50 First Dates on them.  Or possibly thinking you are a geriatric who doesn't understand how to work a cell phone.  Trust me, nothing shuts down game like mothers, old people and Adam Sandler*.

#4: "Sorry bad reception. Call you tomorrow."  That beautifully constructed message is suppose to have him wondering what your doing.  The best part? They say to NOT actually call him tomorrow.  Why? 'Because he definitely will."

Riiiight....I do vaguely remember something from my common sense library about breaking promises being the foundation for a good relationship.  Oh wait, that was from my crazy person library.  Nevermind.

#3. "Cool"  This is supposed to be a response to something he wants to do with you. Like "I want to take you out to dinner." "Cool."

Now, I know I still use 'coolio' in a lot of text messages but it's autosaved and quick to find. But do people even just say the word cool anymore.  And this response makes you sound like a drugg! Not just from girl to guy but from girl to the entire universe or galaxy (honestly I have no idea which one is bigger-nvm google says universe).

#2 "Good to hear from you" You are suppose to say this with NO sarcasm (which I'm sure is completely identifiable to the people taking this advice via text).  This is for the guy who didn't text you back for a while and make him think you didn't mind because you were busy meeting soooooo many amazing people.

Seriously? Good to hear from you? That's not a piece of advice-that's just a thing people say.  This is a completely normal and unassuming response.  But the scary thing is, we now have waves of young people running around saying everyday things thinking they are genius.  Imagine a kid just walking around saying stuff like "Have a good one." "Good morning" "Some weather we got" And in his head he's thinking "Better clear out my social calendar and watch the hoes come a runnin".

#1: "Thanks sexy. X"

I have only three rules in life: 1) Don't hang out with people you aren't confident can't count to 100 without pausing.  2) Never go through with any situation that seems like it could be the beginning of a horror movie. 3) Never use letters in text messages if you haven't urban dictionaried that shit. This rules have never led me astray.

I'm smart enough to figure out "x" is a kiss or the person is prepared to ingest some MDMA or exstacy. But what I don't get is why you have to end every text message with this phrase. Really? You don't think this could come off a little crazy. He's like "Good Night" "Thanks sexy. X"  Okay.  Or "You look really nice today" "Thanks sexy. X" (Also Okay) but "Hey, do you want to hang out" "Thanks sexy. X" (No) "Do you even like me" :"Thanks sexy. X" (this is bad) " WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!" "Thanks sexy. X"

Overall, it really is terrible advice. But what can I say I brought it on myself, my low confidence in my texting skills drove me into the arms of Google once more and unfortunately they led me astray.  Till next time "Who are you?"

Why the Mall SUCKS (even more) At Christmas

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love a lot of things that come with Christmas:

•        Food I didn't have to cook
•        Presents I didn't have to buy
•       Work I didn't have to go to

But Christmas is just not the same after you find out Santa Claus isn’t real.  You remember...Let’s go  back to the days of the mythical fat man squeezing his way down your chimney.  Let’s say your eight, your parents tell you that your only job tonight is to make sure you leave some cookies for Santa and go to bed early so he won’t see you!

Okay kids, hold on to these low expectations because you will NEVER again have to fulfill such low standards ever again.  In fact, when I was a kid, I wasn’t even allowed to use the oven. So making Santa some cookie treats was STUPID easy. My grandma baked them and I put it on a plate and then  went to sleep! But being the stellar child I was, I could NEVER effing sleep.  I just sat there and though about how awesome the next day was going to be.  Yet, at some point reality creeps in (and by reality I mean a portly 5^th grader who laughed at you for talking about Santa at recess. THANKS LYDIA!). And she tells you, that Santa isn’t real.

There you are, stripped away from this magical world of elves and flying animals and shoved into a world of just free toys.  Guess, what? That still rocks.  It is not until you find out that you are being trained to be Santa that life really goes downhill.   Because Santa doesn’t in fact have a factory of vertically challenged people working day and night to create exactly what the kids want (but Nike did).  Oooh noooo…you have to travel out to a place that isn’t unbelievable in the way of the North pole but more so unbelievable in the way of a sweat shop. The Mall. The place where you thought dreams would come true when you were thirteen drinking slurpees with your friends but where you actually see dreams have died when you are an adult. So, read on and check out why I hate the mall at Christmas.

    5.    Limited supply of Christmas Songs:  Thank the birthday of baby Jesus that online shopping is really taking off but I have no faith I will ever be able to do everything at home. Why, you ask? Because I’m lazy and have a perpetual need to choose three year old episode of True Life over Christmas shopping. I also like being able to eat and not wear pants when “running” errands (apparently, that is not socially acceptable).  But when I finally must make that trek, is it really too much to ask that EVERY FLIPPING STORE DOESN'T GET THEIR CHRISTMAS MUSIC FROM THE SAME PLACE?! I mean, seriously?  Every time I have to listen to Destiny’s Child “On the first day of Christmas” I get physically angry.  Is this the ONLY song people care about? That band isn't even together anymore and we are still playing it? And then, there is Jingle Bell Rock which makes me hate myself every time I sing along.

The really interesting thing, is that the only music I never hear when I’m shopping is the classics.  Can I get some White Christmas? How about a little We Wish You a Merry Christmas? I will even take a snippet of some carol bells.

I suppose the mall doesn't believe that music is cool to shop too? But trust me, nobody looks cool buying a box set and singing along to Feliz Navid. NOBODY.

4.          4. Boxed Sets: Speaking of box sets, it there anything else that can scream I don’t know you and you probably smell bad like a box set.  And they are incredibly misleading.  You look at this box and see a beacon of hope- you can completely finish shopping for a person with one trip and this shit is already in a box! Thank you birthday Jesus! BUT NO, they are actually a terrible waste of time.  This past season, I struggled to find logic behind most of these situations. First, you have the ones that make no fucking sense.  For example, a miniature box that held bottle of hand sanitizer with a card attached that said “Let’s Party!” Wait a minute. WHAT?!  I don’t understand the situation that calls for this but being the overactive imaginative human being I am- I attempted to create a few.

a.       You are having an AWESOME Christmas party but you are about to have a lot of people over, who you know for a fact are iffy about completely washing their hands.  You know…”one of those run it under the water and dry” people or “if no one is looking, it’s fine” people.  To add to the issue of your guest list, you were planning on having a lot of grab your own treats like trail mix and popcorn and m&m’s. Unfortunately you have just been robbed of all your utensils and you think it would be in bad taste to have everyone risk enjoying this tasty treats with trace amounts of urine.  SO you send all your invites with a hand sanitizer. What a perfect solution.

b.      You want to have sex with someone but you think they might have herpes.  You also had one of the lowest grades in sex education history.

c.       You bought it as a joke.  THIS IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON!

My other favorite box set is the one that screams “WHO ARE YOU?!”  It always comes with some type of soap and lotion because everyone showers, right? Then they add something like a candle for relaxation, I suppose.  Then, it gets weird.  Let’s also add a pair of fleece socks an eye mask and a Swiss army knife for good measure. I did come up with the perfect scenario for this but some thoughts should be kept to oneself.

So THANKS FOR NOTHING BOXED

4. Creepy Actors: Okay, so you are going to be a good parent/brother/sister/estranged aunt  and take your kid(s) to the mall and get some pictures with an old man playing dress up-Santa Claus.  Don’t deny it, you know I’m right.  But that guy has been looking pretty legit.  I cannot recall the last cracked out Santa I encountered. However, what is with his spirited assistants? There are two types: The one who clearly was two Smirnoff shots away from black out territory a mere four hours ago.  You can tell this person because if you stand close to them and close your eyes instincts take over and you try to find your rape whistle. Then, you have the other helper who looks like work-release was the last option for this guy.  He seems shifty and nervous…you know like someone who might KIDNAP YOUR CHILD. And if these people don’t weird you out enough, they are dressed up as ELVES for crying out loud. But maybe I’m being too hard on them. Maybe they are just trying to live out their dreams of becoming music therapist or an actor? In fact if any one of them wants to be famous, they can apply for the insanely popular shows Intervention or even better Chris Hanson’s How to Catch a Predator.

2.  Completely unrelated stuff that has nothing to do with the Holidays AT ALL:  When you walk into a mall during Christmas time, there are things you expect to see like Christmas trees (or holiday trees if you are offended easily), fake Santa Claus, Salvation Army ringers and carolers if you live in 1950.  But somehow, all this other sneaky shit creeps its way into the local mall trying to pass as Christmas themed but it is not! Things that I have seen this season are as follows: a train for kids, two cars, a roasted nut stand, a workout pool, Jacuzzi tub with a built in radio and a guy who makes customized spray-painted t-shirts.  What? And how do they get away with this, you may ask.  Well, the train is red and green on it, the cars have a sign that says “Tis the season”, the workout pool is there to remind you that you are getting fat from eating all those holiday treats, the Jacuzzi is there to remind you how broke you are going to be after your Christmas shopping,  the nut stand ….umm I really got nothing, and the t-shirt guy and spray-paint ANYTHING on that T-shirt including a Christmas Tree, baby Jesus, Grown-Man Jesus, a wise man…you know whatever gets you in the Christmas spirit. 

With this kind of solid Christmas logic, I need to create my own display for the holiday season.  I’ll use my favorite things: Transformers, avocados and pajamas. I’m thinking something like a battle between pajama wearing autobots and decpticons where their only weapons are delicious avocados.  Doesn’t sound Christmasy? Well I’ll put a Christmas tree in the middle, spray it with a pine sent and then for 19.99 I’ll put it in a box set for you. BOOM!

1.       Guilt: But all other loathsome mall events aside, one thing the mall will never send you home without this holiday season is guilt. First, the guilt that you don’t know your friends and family well enough to know what they like.  You know this because you spent the last two hours looking box sets and settled on a VISA gift card. Second, the guilt that you hate everyone else shopping.  To me, it seems like everyone shopping within my vicinity was abandoned in the woods and raised by unaffectionate but thrifty wolves.  Why? Because they are vicious, always complaining about prices and it seems to be the first time they have never used a register EVER. “No, ma’am you have to wait to slide your card.  Okay, it’s ready now go ahead and slide.”  “BUT I ALREADY SLID MY CARD! AM I GETTING CHARGED TWICE?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS? I THINK I SHOULD GET A COUPON FOR BEING CRAZY!”

But nothing with ever compare to the guilt that washes over me when I don’t have money for the bell ringers.  Jeez Louis, talk about soul crushing.  They have been sitting out in the cold all day volunteering their hours for money to help the less fortunate, ringing that incessant bell over and over and OVER again. And the walk up to them isn’t so bad, you do the “Hi, I’m gonna get you on my way out” smile.  Then, those automatic doors open to the sound of the bell-still going strong and you realize as you dig in your pocket all you have is a piece of gum and a receipt from Taco Bell and something sticky- all completely unacceptable for that shiny red bucket. You panic and you decide to rush to your car and not look up.  Ooooh but they see you and they shout after you  “MERRY CHRISTMAS and GOD BLESS” .  Talk about a punch to the face. I don’t feel guilty about a lot of things but that guilt sticks with me for like 45 seconds or until I hear my favorite song on the radio. 

Well, that’s it folks.  Luckily, the Christmas season is over- tis the season to make your mantra “New Year, New You!”. But alas this is also something I would love to blog about so keep your eye out for my next blog post called: New Year, New You? Don’t you mean three weeks of self denial?

Alrighty guys, till next time! Ps. This post is dedicated to my BFFL Amandanator who is starting her first week at a new job! What? That’s right folks- I only hang with ballers. 

Peace. 

10 Lies of Fall: Part 2

So, obviously this posting is late.  I mean if you are a calendar season-chooser we are waaaay past the winter solstice so I know I’ve missed the fall train (for the record I am more of an emotional season chooser- which means winter started when some crazy lady tried to push me over in a Bath and Body Works for some Vanilla Bean Noel lotion). But I figured better late than never, right? 

Myth  6:  I cannot wait to drink all the pumpkin flavored things!

Okay, I get it. Fall is the actual season for all types of squash but surely pumpkin is the most egotistical of them all.  Moving their big orange ass in all the regular foods for an entire season! I mean really?!  My entire life for ten weeks is denying this shitty flavoring in my already delicious foods.

  “Would you like a pump of our Pumpkin Spice in your mocha?”  “No, thanks”

“You are getting a regular break on your sandwich.  How about adding our holiday Pumpkin bread instead?”   “Uhh, no.”

“How about a pumpkin cookie instead of the holy grail of cookies (chocolate chip)”    “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!!!”

Besides, any flavor worth talking about is available all year.  Sure, pumpkins are only in season for a bit but so are strawberries and I can get that flavor pumped into any smoothie, pop tart or ice cream I want because it is a front stage flavor.  Not like pumpkin.  Which is sort of like that ex boyfriend  you had who said he was in “street-pharmaceuticals”.  After you gave him up for a few months, you thought it would be a good idea to hang out again.  Piece of Advice: ALWAYS A MISTAKE.

Myth 7:   Hoodie Weather!

You know what; I love a good hoodie just like anyone else.  Comfy, cozy and giving me the irresistible body shape of a marshmallow when you put it in the microwave.  But, this little ode to hoodies only counts for zip-ups in my case because my head is the size of large deformed watermelon.  You may ask “But Brittney, how have you been able to find friends, maintain healthy relationships and wear hats?” What a great question, thanks to the beauty of the curly fro, people are unaware of my deformity (and I don’t wear hats).  However, nothing can slam me back to reality quite like the pull-over hoodie.  This think is apparently made for people with regular sized noggins, which is NOT ME! Pulling those things over this head is like suffocating in a sea of cotton for a thirty seconds while it feels like my head is being birthed into a new world.  Oh, did that sentence make you uncomfortable? I assure you it is only 12% as uncomfortable as putting on a hoodie makes me!

Myth 8:  I can’t wait to get all pre-industrial with it and pick my own apples!

Okay, first off I love apples.  They are delicious and have cool names like Jazz, Fuji and Honeycrisp (all top picks for my first born).  Also, if you are low on drug money, eat one before you go to sleep and watch the most warped tripped out dreams your subconscious can construct come to realization.   But I also discovered this thing called a grocery store, where they pile up a shit-ton of these multicolored orbs and let me have the one of my choosing! On the plus side, you can self-checkout this shit and charge it as bananas! 54 cents a pound? I think yes!

But if you are a sadist, I suppose you can go and pick your own apples.  Trying to maneuver your way through a fucking maze (see #3) and pick your own food sounds like something that was designated as a modern day torture mechanism or like you just stepped into a time machine and (of all places) went to ride on the Oregon trial.  Good luck with that apple picking when your oxen dies of bad water and you break and axle.

Myth 9: Let’s go to the scariest haunted house ever, it’s going to be so much fun!

I have a love/hate relationship with haunted houses.  I always think it’s a good idea and then I get inside and feel like I’m going to die. Not like a “hahahahaha oh my gaud guys! That was so scary; I thought I was going to have a heart attack hahaha.” I mean like “Holy Shit, didn’t I see a news report of a serial killer who recently escaped from a local prison? Well, at least he had a nasty scar on his face so he is easily identifiable.  I mean where could he even hide with that kind of scar…..I mean some of the people in this place look like they have scars but it’s clearly makeu….WHAT THE FUCK? WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!” And that ladies and gentlemen, is how I make my haunted house exits-every time!

Myth 10: My carved pumpkin is going to live forever!

This is obviously a really personal topic since Pumpkinachi has been gone for a few weeks now.  No, it’s not because I was a great creator/friend to my carved squash friend but because one of my neighbors got tired of the new gang of quite volatile raccoon hanging out by our front door.  But here’s a picture of Pumpkinachi as he was and what he became all because of this EFFING season!

Fall took everything from him. Even his EYEBALLS!

Thanks for reading all! I am actually going to be posting weekly stories now.  So if you have any ideas be sure to leave a comment and I’ll definitely blog about it!

Peace!