The 10 LIES of Fall: Part 1

So, the other day my roommate called me a cynic and that made me pretty pissed off!  I mean I AM A NICE PERSON, OKAY!  But it got me to thinking about all the things I don’t like about life.  After I moved past all the drivers in the world,  those stickers on the edge of dvds and the lady who keeps turning off the light on me in the bathroom at work (I KNOW YOU KNOW I’M IN THERE) I ended up at fall.

Seeing how November just barricaded its way into my comfortable life, I thought I would address some of the interesting epiphanies I experienced this fall.  Every year it is the same bull crap about how wonderful fall is and how everyone is so excited to do all those unique fall things.  I’m calling bullshit.  Please read further for explanations about the myths of fall.   

Also, to anyone who thinks it is too early to talk about what I hated about fall- get OVER it.  Fall really only exists in October.   November is just a filler month to let you freak out about Christmas.  I mean thanksgiving is only getting like 30 minutes this year because black Friday stars at 7:00pm on Thursday! Outrageous!

Myth #1: I can’t wait for those beautiful leaves!

While jumping in brightly colored leaves seems like an exhilarating experience, any person over the age of 9 seen doing that is legally obligated to be judged.  Also, leaves don’t fall in perfectly shaped mounds off cloud-like fluff begging to be jumped on. You have to rake until your arms literally feel like they are going to fall off and then to have some kid jump in and destroy all the work you just did?! OH H-to-the-ELL NO! Especially, since that kid might land on one of the razor like tree branches that you also raked or some dog poop (gross).  Lastly, leaves outdoors mean leaves all up and around your carpeted house.  Fact: I spend 99% more of my time vacuuming up leaves than noticing their beauty (everything looks like brown dust in a bissle).

Myth #2: Carving pumpkins is going to be awesome!          

Now, I would like to preface this by saying- I do love a good Pumpkin carving party or PCP if you like acronyms (or are a drug addict). I mean you get to make a mess and craft something fantastic and pass it off as doing it for the kids.  But you know what happens roughly six days after you pour your heart and soul into this piece of holiday squash?! It starts to mold and die!  This does not fall into the fun category for me.

Myth #3: I cannot wait to go through this CORN MAZE!

Corn mazes have about 7-10 minutes of entertainment factor before anarchy breaks loose. Around minutes 12-15 you are panicking because you have no idea how to read a map and your cell phone gets no reception in a field of corn.  During minutes 17-20, you are considering what kind of shelter you can build out of corn but you can’t come up with any viable ideas because Survivor was never held in a corn maze.  Minutes 25-28, you are choosing which of your friends you will kill first to eat and keep the group alive.  And if you have to continue for more than 31+ minutes, you hope that kid Malachi from Children of the Corn comes and kills your for sacrifice to that scarecrow god because at this point, that would be a sweet release.

Myth #4: Dressing up for Halloween is going to be the best!

This one is the most depressing because when you were a child you were rewarded for a costume through free treats at strangers house (which on any day other than Halloween is complete unacceptable and uncomfortable). But when you get older, Trick or Treating is DEAD!  Now, you have to dress up to go out to a heavily crowded bar where everyone else dressed up but you have no idea what anyone is because you don’t have cable and there are too many pop culture references.  Then you have fourteen people ask you if you are something (Nicki Minaj) which you are CLEARLY not.  Your try to drown you sorrows in another cup of some watered down vodka drink while truly wishing you were at home  eating a whole bag of assorted chocolates while watching SVU. Hmmm…that might just be me.

Myth #5: It’s Candy Corn time!

Okay, so candy corn seems like a great idea.  All those festive colors, that adorable little shape and don’t even get me started on the pumpkin ones.  But, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.    If you eat 10 candy corns, your mouth taste like you coated it with corn syrup, molasses and sugar.   This is actually a genius ploy by the candy company because now the only things that will taste normal are MORE CANDY CORN! But beware, at 17 candy corns you are looking a pre-diabetes diagnosis, any more than 25, and we are on losing limb territory.

So, I have a few more myths I want to bust through but in order to keep my rant at a dull roar.  I decided to stick to 5 today.  Oh, and Christmas if you think your safe…you are wrong! Your time is swiftly approaching!

Happy Monday!

Ps. This blog entry is dedicated to my recently carved pumpkin.  My beautiful pumpkin-Pumpkinachi is currently molding to death on my porch. THANKS FALL!

RIP PUMPKINACHI: October 30^th –sometime early next week

A Fair Trade?

I've been thinking a lot about money in exchange for things-mainly because I never have any because I like to exchange my coins for gallons of espresso/milk/chocolate combinations-commonly referred to as a mocha. But the whole process of cash for stuff is so complicated, especially with the penny.  I mean come on USA! The only thing time a penny ever brings me joy is when I go to the St. Louis Zoo and they smash penny and put a picture of a gorilla on it. But even then, I have to dig around for TWO whole quarters to pay the machine to turn my penny into something better. What the frigging-frack is the penny still hanging around for?!  Anyway, I digress, back to mulah.  I suggest we go back to a simpler time of bartering. You know like I'll give you some bread for this potatoe.  However, I am NOT suggesting the feudal system which was more like "Here I'll give you this land for a your whole life of underpaid labor and food."   At one point in every individuals life they experienced first hand the joy of the bartering system.

I mean if you want to see that system in it's prime, watch two kids under the age of 8 with literally anything in their hands.

"Hey, I'll trade you this leaf and my right shoe for that marble."
"Okay!"

Seriously, that's a trade that I saw go down once.  But I also have some experience with bartering.  There is one in particular that really stood out.

When I was about seven or eight, I was cruising the streets of my neighborhood in a top-of-the-line candy red tricycle.  This bike was probably built for a four or five year old and brakes were non-existent but With my knee slightly grazing the edge of the handlebars everytime I propelled myself forward...I wasn't really worried about stopping anyway.

Anyway, I used to pull that sucker out in the morning time like I had someplace to be and throw a creepy rag doll on the small back step and we'd be off.  We only had two options.  A) ride to the street corner where there was a pretty awesome fire hydrant and a stop sign-check out the hustle and bustle of the neighborhood and ride back roughly 321 per day.  B).  Ride around my back yard in circles.  Do you know how hard it is to ride a tricycle that you are pushing about 10pds over the weight limit in grass?! Impossible.  B, as a result, was never chosen.

Now, I had received a pink and purple bike with stickers you can put on yourself a year before but my mom never put the training wheels on, so that was NOT going to happen.   I was the weird kid who accidentally swallowed a quarter when trying to hide it from my mom and my grandma FREAKED out and sent me to the emergency room mumbling about how she "Hoped I would make it" as I walked to the car. Basically, with my accident-prone lifestyle and over-reactive family there was no way I was getting on that two wheel trap of death.  

But one day, my grandma's friend and local preacher came over and he brought his son over.  So, they were all chatting and this kid was eyeing my tricycle.  It was hard not to, that candy red paint called to the children like the pied-piper of the Midwest. So, as the good  child I was I let him ride around a couple of times.  Watching other kids rid on your tricycle is sort of like hearing about other people's vacations. It sucks.  At first you think it might be interesting, but you secretly just wish it was you.  So I eventually wandered into the house to watch some powerangers and try to sneak a push-pop.  This is when the whole thing went down.  

As I was enjoying my afternoon show, my grandma strolls in like a mob boss and say "Brittney, I have a proposition for you.  I want you to give your tricycle to the preachers son and bring respect to our family" (Okay maybe those aren't the exact words but the memory has gotten a little foggy over the years.)

So, I simply say "No! Come on grandma, I need that tricycle to do stuff!" 

And then my grandma pulls out the big guns.  She say's the five words that brought me to my knees, broke down any opposition I had and ultimately defeated me.  Those words were: "I'll give you a doughnut."

A doughnut. One doughnut. In case you think this word has been lost in translation please look below for the well crafted flow chart.

This is a doughnut.  For anyone who had an absurd amount of faith in me and thought the word doughnut was street slang for money or season passes to six flags, no such luck.  It wasn't even a FANCY doughnut. Just a regular, glazed , basic doughnut.








This shinny red fella is a tricycle. So, there really isn't much to say about this guy-I'm pretty sure there is no street translation for tricycle. (DISCLAIMER: Do NOT type tricycle in to urban dictionary to discover if there is in fact an alternative definition .)


So, back to this trade.  Obviously, I did in fact give my tricycle away for a glazed doughnut. This situation taught me a few things about myself:

1) I don't understand trade values at all.  You know that great metaphor of learning to fish or getting a bag of fish.  I would be the person who takes just one fish if it was ready to eat and trade a boat for it.
           a. I also might not really completely understand metaphors-or that one at least.

2) I'm not really concerned with long term concequences.  Do you know how much slower it was to get to my street corner on foot.  Me and that creepy rag doll would solomly drag ourselves to the corner and I swear she used to look at me accusingly.  Those little button eyes screamed "ONE DONUT? REALLY!?!"

3) Maybe my grandma though I was too big and looked ridiculous on that little tricycle but do you have any idea how ridiculous I looked after I traded it for one regular glazed donut? Come on! This leads me to believe my grandma hated me...not really... but maybe.

4) Patience is a virtue I will never posses. The best (and worst) part about this story is that it wasn't like I did not already have a doughnut that day.  In fact, my Grandma and I got up and went to Dunkin Donuts and bought a dozen doughnuts.  Before this whole situation went down, I was already guaranteed SIX DOUGHNUTS!

Luckily, it's been roughly 16 years since then and I've acquired a few more critical thinking skills but this situation taught me something about myself.  I would love to say that situation taught me a sea of knowledge about trading things and the value of some items over others but honestly I'd probably trade a lot of things for a donut right now. The one thing I did learn is that remembering stories like these make others laugh and me questions my grandmothers parenting skills.  But that's what life is all about really.

Anyways, thanks for checking out my post.  I will be going back through my life and picking out other painful memories to share but until then don't let your friends trade things for doughnuts.

Ps. I'm dedicating this post to Willie H.  Despite my very long breaks between posts, he is really supporting me sharing my ridiculous life via blog. Haha thanks W.

Hoarders: Nail Polish Edition

I think we can all admit that TLC brings a lot of quality to all of our lives. Say yes to the dress, Sisterwives, Hoarders, Intervention- which when I think about it, it could just be a chronological journey of a very sad troubled person.  But basically, Hoarders is by far the most near and dear to my heart in terms of horror and hilarity. 

I mean if I am being completely honest-an rarely am I not-I think horders is funny to anyone who is not a horder or who doesn't really know one. Because I mean really when we break it down, it's a bunch of people who don't want to throw away trash. To add insult to injury it usually comes on right after intervention , where people are addicted to CRACK.  So, I really struggle with taking that show seriously-the the crescendo of the dramatic string quartet sometimes makes it difficult.

Though I don't really take this show seriously, I think if they come up with a cosmetic edition I have a pretty good chance of making the cut.  I have about 800 nail polishes and they are all fabulous.

So, I wanted to take the chance to go through my favorites for these hot summer months.

The Pastels: 

These pastel leaders, some may say, are for the spring flowers but honey it's spring somewhere and there is NO way I am letting these colors slip away for the summer season:

   (Innocent by Sinful Colors, Unicorn by Sinful Colors, Mint Creme by Elf, Crush On You by Orly)

The Nudes: 

These risky colors are baring it all- and I like!

                  (French Touch by NYX, San Tan-tonio by OPI, Fast Track by China Glaze)

*Fast Track has a beautiful gold shimmer to it-defintely one of my favorite nudes with pizzazz 

The Brights: 

These colors scoff at the nudes. They loudly demand to be seen heard and fabulous (as do I when I wear them). 

(Hazard by Sinful Colors, Shower Together by China Glaze, Heatwave by Wet & Wild, Gaga for Green by China Glaze, Pull Over by Sinful Colors)

 *Gaga for green is MUCH brighter than it appears-Imagine is Kermit the frog got a chemical peel-it's that kinda bright! 

The Loner: 

She rides the world not speaking a word because she is in a world of her own. This color is my favorite to wear on the tosies during the summer.  Putting glitter polish on my toe nails is like painting them with concrete-it NEVER moves.  As a busy girl, I like a polish that is never leaving my side/toes! 

Medallion by China Glaze

And there you go- the beautiful summer collection! If you have a favorite polish, don't you DARE keep it to yourself.  Sharing is caring : ) 

Till next time, stay glamorous 

The Chipmunk that started it all

The Beginning

...I started this blog because of a chipmunk.

Hello All,

The pleasure is all mine. I have always been interested in blogging but my horoscope never told me the date to start, so I have been waiting for a sign.  This week a chipmunk sent the clearest sign of all...  

I consider myself having a pretty normal, basic, boring morning routine- even with the Tina Turner lip-syncing(but that's pretty standard, right? RIGHT?). Shower-brush teeth-consider flossing-mouthwash-skip flossing-get dressed-makeup-time check-skip breakfast.  But four days ago, one of our woodland creatures had a different idea for me.  As I literally dragged myself out of the shower with half of a towel wrapped around my body, knocking over every Bath & Body Works lotion I own to find my glasses.  I see the quick movement of something that should NOT be in my room.  

At this point, I have come to two very reasonable conclusions.  One, by the size and quickness of said animal, that was a rat. Because of the size and quickness, I will need to move out of state, leave my family, job and responsibilities behind because there is no way I can survive the swift Armageddon a rat that quick will surely bring about.  Two, there was some paranormal movement in my room and I can finally apply to be on Ghost Adventures.  I don't really care what they find in my house but someone has got to tell that guy to STOP WITH THE TAPOUT SHIRTS! Luckily/Unluckily (depending on how you look at it), the little dark fuzzball that scared the shit out of me was a cute little chipmunk. Awwww....right? What a cute little chipmunk maybe he will sing me high pitched Christmas tunes.  FALSE. Woodland creatures are only cute in the context of the woods. 


Don't believe me?


In order to convey the exact feeling the little, scuttling guy gave me, I have taken a few pictures from my mental storage locker and present them to you.  


What my vision of a chipmunk is outdoors: 

What my vision of a chipmunk is in my house: 

As you can see I have some serious issues with indoor woodland animals.  


But this was not your average, dropped-out-of-woodland-creature-college chipmunk.  This was an IVY league chipmunk.  He studied the art of living in human domains and probably wrote the book on it!  I mean this is a chipmunk who wears ties on his days off and uses words like garrulous and exculpate in his mental chipmunk speech.  He discusses the vicious cycles of a class system and once counted to infinity.  This chipmunk is intellectual. 


Naturally, with such a brainy opponent, it was hard to catch that little guy. But I would like you to know with the help of a live trap and a very convincing speech given to the chipmunk by me (while I was standing in my bed with a broom with my Braveheart accent), the little bugger runs free in the wild once again! 


But this little guy started my noggin a-twirling.  My life is full of ridiculous moments, like the above,  that I cannot help but share.  So, these stories, along with fashion, makeup and life reviews will be the premise of my blog.  I hope you guys decide to stick around and see what life has in store for me next week. 




**Also, if you made it this far in the story and absolutely hated it, I apologize.  However, I have built in a drinking game for you! Yay for multi-purpose writing! All you have to do is drink a wine cooler every time you see the word chipmunk. After that just sit in a room crying because that is all that is left to do after 13 wine coolers. 


Later