So, the other day my roommate called me a cynic and that
made me pretty pissed off! I mean I AM A
NICE PERSON, OKAY! But it got me to
thinking about all the things I don’t like about life. After I moved past all the drivers in the
world, those stickers on the edge of
dvds and the lady who keeps turning off the light on me in the bathroom at work
(I KNOW YOU KNOW I’M IN THERE) I ended up at fall.
Seeing how November just barricaded its way into my
comfortable life, I thought I would address some of the interesting epiphanies I
experienced this fall. Every year it is
the same bull crap about how wonderful fall is and how everyone is so excited
to do all those unique fall things. I’m
calling bullshit. Please read further
for explanations about the myths of fall.
Also, to anyone who thinks it is too early to talk about
what I hated about fall- get OVER it.
Fall really only exists in October.
November is just a filler month
to let you freak out about Christmas. I
mean thanksgiving is only getting like 30 minutes this year because black Friday
stars at 7:00pm on Thursday! Outrageous!
Myth #1: I can’t wait for those beautiful leaves!
While jumping in brightly colored leaves seems like an exhilarating
experience, any person over the age of 9 seen doing that is legally obligated
to be judged. Also, leaves don’t fall in
perfectly shaped mounds off cloud-like fluff begging to be jumped on. You have
to rake until your arms literally feel like they are going to fall off and then
to have some kid jump in and destroy all the work you just did?! OH
H-to-the-ELL NO! Especially, since that kid might land on one of the razor like
tree branches that you also raked or some dog poop (gross). Lastly, leaves outdoors mean leaves all up
and around your carpeted house. Fact: I
spend 99% more of my time vacuuming up leaves than noticing their beauty
(everything looks like brown dust in a bissle).
Myth #2: Carving pumpkins is going to be awesome!
Now, I would like to preface this by saying- I do love a good
Pumpkin carving party or PCP if you like acronyms (or are a drug addict). I
mean you get to make a mess and craft something fantastic and pass it off as
doing it for the kids. But you know what
happens roughly six days after you pour your heart and soul into this piece of
holiday squash?! It starts to mold and die!
This does not fall into the fun category for me.
Myth #3: I cannot wait to go through this CORN MAZE!
Corn mazes have about 7-10 minutes of entertainment factor
before anarchy breaks loose. Around minutes 12-15 you are panicking because you
have no idea how to read a map and your cell phone gets no reception in a field
of corn. During minutes 17-20, you are
considering what kind of shelter you can build out of corn but you can’t come
up with any viable ideas because Survivor was never held in a corn maze. Minutes 25-28, you are choosing which of your
friends you will kill first to eat and keep the group alive. And if you have to continue for more than 31+
minutes, you hope that kid Malachi from Children of the Corn comes and kills
your for sacrifice to that scarecrow god because at this point, that would be a
sweet release.
Myth #4: Dressing up for Halloween is going to be the best!
This one is the most depressing because when you were a
child you were rewarded for a costume through free treats at strangers house
(which on any day other than Halloween is complete unacceptable and
uncomfortable). But when you get older, Trick or Treating is DEAD! Now, you have to dress up to go out to a
heavily crowded bar where everyone else dressed up but you have no idea what
anyone is because you don’t have cable and there are too many pop culture
references. Then you have fourteen
people ask you if you are something (Nicki Minaj) which you are CLEARLY
not. Your try to drown you sorrows in
another cup of some watered down vodka drink while truly wishing you were at
home eating a whole bag of assorted
chocolates while watching SVU. Hmmm…that might just be me.
Myth #5: It’s Candy Corn time!
Okay, so candy corn seems like a great idea. All those festive colors, that adorable
little shape and don’t even get me started on the pumpkin ones. But, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. If you eat 10 candy corns, your mouth taste
like you coated it with corn syrup, molasses and sugar. This is actually a genius ploy by the candy
company because now the only things that will taste normal are MORE CANDY CORN!
But beware, at 17 candy corns you are looking a pre-diabetes diagnosis, any
more than 25, and we are on losing limb territory.
So, I have a few more myths I want to bust through but in
order to keep my rant at a dull roar. I
decided to stick to 5 today. Oh, and
Christmas if you think your safe…you are wrong! Your time is swiftly
approaching!
Happy Monday!
Ps. This blog entry is dedicated to my recently carved
pumpkin. My beautiful
pumpkin-Pumpkinachi is currently molding to death on my porch. THANKS FALL!
RIP PUMPKINACHI: October 30th –sometime early next
week
