July- The Death of the New Year's Resolution

So, it's almost August! That's kinda bonkers, right?! Birds are chirping, flowers are springing and I found something called a wolf spider on my sweater last night. Just effing peachy!

I'd put a picture up for everyone but honestly when I typed that crap into google images, I felt like this OMG chair.


 So, let's just move forward.

Because  there is a more important discussion to be had than the massive arachnids trying to weasel their way into my living quarters. Lets talk New Year's Resolutions.

Now, if you are a regular individual, three things are probably running through your head.

1. Aren't you a little early for New Year's Resolutions? 
2. Are people still doing those?
3. What does Resolution mean? (Seriously, the literacy rate in this country is tragic-but that's neither here nor there) 

Okay, just to preface, I am not on crack  (because it's whack) and I don't want to talk about your New Year's Resolutions for 2014 because honestly we might all be dead because of the zombie apocalypse   And I'm not one of those "Put all my eggs in one basket" types. We are here to talk about your dead resolutions. 

Yeah. I said it. Dead.

DEAD!

Let's face it, resolutions are like saying "These are the plans that are probably only going to come into realization if the internet shuts down for a year and someone closes my local food mart. Forever." So, right now I'm going to go through my top five resolutions and why they suck so hard.  So you don't feel bad about killing your dreams for the year five months in. 

1. Eat Healthy/ Live at the Gym: Oh holy baby Jesus.  It is the holy grail of New Year's resolutions. And here is the part about it that I hate-it is like a given for 95% of the population to be down for this every year!!  So, like clock work there are 29 million people in my gym imagining themselves bikini ready for summer because they are having this post holiday feeling.

All the while the winter weather literally strikes up a deal with the devil to make you believe summer doesn't exists  anymore.  

You ever see that movie 30 days of night? Where Josh Harnet and some chick have to avoid getting eaten by vampires for a long ass time but it's hard because umm...well... there are 30 effing days of night. That basically describes the months of December through March for me.  Except instead of getting eaten by vampires, I'm worried the skinny people at the gym are going to eat me.

....is that weird? Nevermind. 

2. I'm going to be Martha Steward Organized: Now this is a daunting task because Martha Steward is like crazy organized.  I have a theory she doesn't even know what clutter is- she probably thinks it is in the same realm as unicorns and the boogyman. Basically, she has her shit together (minus that brief prison stint). 

But the problem is, in order for me to get organized, I have to start organizing my shit and that is a nightmare.  Last year, I found an unopened Jolt Cola in my closet.  Oh, you never heard of Jolt Cola? That's probably because they filled for bankruptcy in 2009. 

And anyway, getting organized is so overrated.  EVERYONE wants to be organized.  But you, you can be different.  You can give the middle finger to Crate & Barrel and set all of those drawer organizers on fire.  You can be the individual who a robber can't even steal from because they can't find anything! YOU CAN BE THE NEXT FEATURE ON TLC'S HOARDERS!

I'm just saying, dream big.

3.  I'm going to actually finish my task list:  I was about to checking finishing this blog of my task list but...then I found the gif of this monkey.  Whoops.

Ps. What do you think this monkey in the front it thinking about? Mambo #5? Beyonce's Single Ladies? "Too the windooooooowww, To the walls!" 

Worst Texting Advice You Will Ever Receive

Let me preface this document by saying, there is nothing I won't type into the Google search bar.  I mean NOTHING.  Because after a while, I am weak when it comes to useless information and curiosity.  It would be misleading for me to let you think I was researching the evolution of String Theory when I was actually looking up all the actors of Different Strokes on IMDB.

So, the other day I was perusing my favorite search engine and I thought I would find out what the world says about texting a guy back.  You can laugh if you want (I WANT YOU TO!).  I mean I'm 24 years old and I have the same amount of game as my 9 year old brother.  And he has *chicklet teeth.  So, I wanted to see what are some generic tips on how to text someone. Honestly, I felt like I was overusing my favorite phases of Okie Dokie and Coolio.

So, here I am.  With the privacy of my home and the security of the "clear browser history" button at my finger tips, I type "texting dudes". Clearly, we are already starting off on the right foot. Anyways, the first hit on Google is from a website called Betty Confidential titled "5 Savy Text Messages to Drive Any Guy Crazy." Sounds great, right? Honestly, my first thought was "I hope they don't mean like Chris Brown/domestic battery crazy?" Luckily, I was correct.  However, this website lends some of the WORST ADVICE EVER. And you know it has to be bad when it is coming from a girl who thinks the US needs to stop trying to send shit up into space and work on my fucking refrigerator-microwave*.

But no need to take my opinion-lets have a look together.

#5: "Who is this?" Essentially this little one is supposed to "throw them off their game"

What the hell are you talking about? Sure, it might throw someone off their game if that means thinking they accidentially texted their mom. Or that that you all of a sudden went 50 First Dates on them.  Or possibly thinking you are a geriatric who doesn't understand how to work a cell phone.  Trust me, nothing shuts down game like mothers, old people and Adam Sandler*.

#4: "Sorry bad reception. Call you tomorrow."  That beautifully constructed message is suppose to have him wondering what your doing.  The best part? They say to NOT actually call him tomorrow.  Why? 'Because he definitely will."

Riiiight....I do vaguely remember something from my common sense library about breaking promises being the foundation for a good relationship.  Oh wait, that was from my crazy person library.  Nevermind.

#3. "Cool"  This is supposed to be a response to something he wants to do with you. Like "I want to take you out to dinner." "Cool."

Now, I know I still use 'coolio' in a lot of text messages but it's autosaved and quick to find. But do people even just say the word cool anymore.  And this response makes you sound like a drugg! Not just from girl to guy but from girl to the entire universe or galaxy (honestly I have no idea which one is bigger-nvm google says universe).

#2 "Good to hear from you" You are suppose to say this with NO sarcasm (which I'm sure is completely identifiable to the people taking this advice via text).  This is for the guy who didn't text you back for a while and make him think you didn't mind because you were busy meeting soooooo many amazing people.

Seriously? Good to hear from you? That's not a piece of advice-that's just a thing people say.  This is a completely normal and unassuming response.  But the scary thing is, we now have waves of young people running around saying everyday things thinking they are genius.  Imagine a kid just walking around saying stuff like "Have a good one." "Good morning" "Some weather we got" And in his head he's thinking "Better clear out my social calendar and watch the hoes come a runnin".

#1: "Thanks sexy. X"

I have only three rules in life: 1) Don't hang out with people you aren't confident can't count to 100 without pausing.  2) Never go through with any situation that seems like it could be the beginning of a horror movie. 3) Never use letters in text messages if you haven't urban dictionaried that shit. This rules have never led me astray.

I'm smart enough to figure out "x" is a kiss or the person is prepared to ingest some MDMA or exstacy. But what I don't get is why you have to end every text message with this phrase. Really? You don't think this could come off a little crazy. He's like "Good Night" "Thanks sexy. X"  Okay.  Or "You look really nice today" "Thanks sexy. X" (Also Okay) but "Hey, do you want to hang out" "Thanks sexy. X" (No) "Do you even like me" :"Thanks sexy. X" (this is bad) " WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!" "Thanks sexy. X"

Overall, it really is terrible advice. But what can I say I brought it on myself, my low confidence in my texting skills drove me into the arms of Google once more and unfortunately they led me astray.  Till next time "Who are you?"

Why the Mall SUCKS (even more) At Christmas

Now, don’t get me wrong. I love a lot of things that come with Christmas:

•        Food I didn't have to cook
•        Presents I didn't have to buy
•       Work I didn't have to go to

But Christmas is just not the same after you find out Santa Claus isn’t real.  You remember...Let’s go  back to the days of the mythical fat man squeezing his way down your chimney.  Let’s say your eight, your parents tell you that your only job tonight is to make sure you leave some cookies for Santa and go to bed early so he won’t see you!

Okay kids, hold on to these low expectations because you will NEVER again have to fulfill such low standards ever again.  In fact, when I was a kid, I wasn’t even allowed to use the oven. So making Santa some cookie treats was STUPID easy. My grandma baked them and I put it on a plate and then  went to sleep! But being the stellar child I was, I could NEVER effing sleep.  I just sat there and though about how awesome the next day was going to be.  Yet, at some point reality creeps in (and by reality I mean a portly 5^th grader who laughed at you for talking about Santa at recess. THANKS LYDIA!). And she tells you, that Santa isn’t real.

There you are, stripped away from this magical world of elves and flying animals and shoved into a world of just free toys.  Guess, what? That still rocks.  It is not until you find out that you are being trained to be Santa that life really goes downhill.   Because Santa doesn’t in fact have a factory of vertically challenged people working day and night to create exactly what the kids want (but Nike did).  Oooh noooo…you have to travel out to a place that isn’t unbelievable in the way of the North pole but more so unbelievable in the way of a sweat shop. The Mall. The place where you thought dreams would come true when you were thirteen drinking slurpees with your friends but where you actually see dreams have died when you are an adult. So, read on and check out why I hate the mall at Christmas.

    5.    Limited supply of Christmas Songs:  Thank the birthday of baby Jesus that online shopping is really taking off but I have no faith I will ever be able to do everything at home. Why, you ask? Because I’m lazy and have a perpetual need to choose three year old episode of True Life over Christmas shopping. I also like being able to eat and not wear pants when “running” errands (apparently, that is not socially acceptable).  But when I finally must make that trek, is it really too much to ask that EVERY FLIPPING STORE DOESN'T GET THEIR CHRISTMAS MUSIC FROM THE SAME PLACE?! I mean, seriously?  Every time I have to listen to Destiny’s Child “On the first day of Christmas” I get physically angry.  Is this the ONLY song people care about? That band isn't even together anymore and we are still playing it? And then, there is Jingle Bell Rock which makes me hate myself every time I sing along.

The really interesting thing, is that the only music I never hear when I’m shopping is the classics.  Can I get some White Christmas? How about a little We Wish You a Merry Christmas? I will even take a snippet of some carol bells.

I suppose the mall doesn't believe that music is cool to shop too? But trust me, nobody looks cool buying a box set and singing along to Feliz Navid. NOBODY.

4.          4. Boxed Sets: Speaking of box sets, it there anything else that can scream I don’t know you and you probably smell bad like a box set.  And they are incredibly misleading.  You look at this box and see a beacon of hope- you can completely finish shopping for a person with one trip and this shit is already in a box! Thank you birthday Jesus! BUT NO, they are actually a terrible waste of time.  This past season, I struggled to find logic behind most of these situations. First, you have the ones that make no fucking sense.  For example, a miniature box that held bottle of hand sanitizer with a card attached that said “Let’s Party!” Wait a minute. WHAT?!  I don’t understand the situation that calls for this but being the overactive imaginative human being I am- I attempted to create a few.

a.       You are having an AWESOME Christmas party but you are about to have a lot of people over, who you know for a fact are iffy about completely washing their hands.  You know…”one of those run it under the water and dry” people or “if no one is looking, it’s fine” people.  To add to the issue of your guest list, you were planning on having a lot of grab your own treats like trail mix and popcorn and m&m’s. Unfortunately you have just been robbed of all your utensils and you think it would be in bad taste to have everyone risk enjoying this tasty treats with trace amounts of urine.  SO you send all your invites with a hand sanitizer. What a perfect solution.

b.      You want to have sex with someone but you think they might have herpes.  You also had one of the lowest grades in sex education history.

c.       You bought it as a joke.  THIS IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE REASON!

My other favorite box set is the one that screams “WHO ARE YOU?!”  It always comes with some type of soap and lotion because everyone showers, right? Then they add something like a candle for relaxation, I suppose.  Then, it gets weird.  Let’s also add a pair of fleece socks an eye mask and a Swiss army knife for good measure. I did come up with the perfect scenario for this but some thoughts should be kept to oneself.

So THANKS FOR NOTHING BOXED

4. Creepy Actors: Okay, so you are going to be a good parent/brother/sister/estranged aunt  and take your kid(s) to the mall and get some pictures with an old man playing dress up-Santa Claus.  Don’t deny it, you know I’m right.  But that guy has been looking pretty legit.  I cannot recall the last cracked out Santa I encountered. However, what is with his spirited assistants? There are two types: The one who clearly was two Smirnoff shots away from black out territory a mere four hours ago.  You can tell this person because if you stand close to them and close your eyes instincts take over and you try to find your rape whistle. Then, you have the other helper who looks like work-release was the last option for this guy.  He seems shifty and nervous…you know like someone who might KIDNAP YOUR CHILD. And if these people don’t weird you out enough, they are dressed up as ELVES for crying out loud. But maybe I’m being too hard on them. Maybe they are just trying to live out their dreams of becoming music therapist or an actor? In fact if any one of them wants to be famous, they can apply for the insanely popular shows Intervention or even better Chris Hanson’s How to Catch a Predator.

2.  Completely unrelated stuff that has nothing to do with the Holidays AT ALL:  When you walk into a mall during Christmas time, there are things you expect to see like Christmas trees (or holiday trees if you are offended easily), fake Santa Claus, Salvation Army ringers and carolers if you live in 1950.  But somehow, all this other sneaky shit creeps its way into the local mall trying to pass as Christmas themed but it is not! Things that I have seen this season are as follows: a train for kids, two cars, a roasted nut stand, a workout pool, Jacuzzi tub with a built in radio and a guy who makes customized spray-painted t-shirts.  What? And how do they get away with this, you may ask.  Well, the train is red and green on it, the cars have a sign that says “Tis the season”, the workout pool is there to remind you that you are getting fat from eating all those holiday treats, the Jacuzzi is there to remind you how broke you are going to be after your Christmas shopping,  the nut stand ….umm I really got nothing, and the t-shirt guy and spray-paint ANYTHING on that T-shirt including a Christmas Tree, baby Jesus, Grown-Man Jesus, a wise man…you know whatever gets you in the Christmas spirit. 

With this kind of solid Christmas logic, I need to create my own display for the holiday season.  I’ll use my favorite things: Transformers, avocados and pajamas. I’m thinking something like a battle between pajama wearing autobots and decpticons where their only weapons are delicious avocados.  Doesn’t sound Christmasy? Well I’ll put a Christmas tree in the middle, spray it with a pine sent and then for 19.99 I’ll put it in a box set for you. BOOM!

1.       Guilt: But all other loathsome mall events aside, one thing the mall will never send you home without this holiday season is guilt. First, the guilt that you don’t know your friends and family well enough to know what they like.  You know this because you spent the last two hours looking box sets and settled on a VISA gift card. Second, the guilt that you hate everyone else shopping.  To me, it seems like everyone shopping within my vicinity was abandoned in the woods and raised by unaffectionate but thrifty wolves.  Why? Because they are vicious, always complaining about prices and it seems to be the first time they have never used a register EVER. “No, ma’am you have to wait to slide your card.  Okay, it’s ready now go ahead and slide.”  “BUT I ALREADY SLID MY CARD! AM I GETTING CHARGED TWICE?! THIS IS RIDICULOUS? I THINK I SHOULD GET A COUPON FOR BEING CRAZY!”

But nothing with ever compare to the guilt that washes over me when I don’t have money for the bell ringers.  Jeez Louis, talk about soul crushing.  They have been sitting out in the cold all day volunteering their hours for money to help the less fortunate, ringing that incessant bell over and over and OVER again. And the walk up to them isn’t so bad, you do the “Hi, I’m gonna get you on my way out” smile.  Then, those automatic doors open to the sound of the bell-still going strong and you realize as you dig in your pocket all you have is a piece of gum and a receipt from Taco Bell and something sticky- all completely unacceptable for that shiny red bucket. You panic and you decide to rush to your car and not look up.  Ooooh but they see you and they shout after you  “MERRY CHRISTMAS and GOD BLESS” .  Talk about a punch to the face. I don’t feel guilty about a lot of things but that guilt sticks with me for like 45 seconds or until I hear my favorite song on the radio. 

Well, that’s it folks.  Luckily, the Christmas season is over- tis the season to make your mantra “New Year, New You!”. But alas this is also something I would love to blog about so keep your eye out for my next blog post called: New Year, New You? Don’t you mean three weeks of self denial?

Alrighty guys, till next time! Ps. This post is dedicated to my BFFL Amandanator who is starting her first week at a new job! What? That’s right folks- I only hang with ballers. 

Peace. 

10 Lies of Fall: Part 2

So, obviously this posting is late.  I mean if you are a calendar season-chooser we are waaaay past the winter solstice so I know I’ve missed the fall train (for the record I am more of an emotional season chooser- which means winter started when some crazy lady tried to push me over in a Bath and Body Works for some Vanilla Bean Noel lotion). But I figured better late than never, right? 

Myth  6:  I cannot wait to drink all the pumpkin flavored things!

Okay, I get it. Fall is the actual season for all types of squash but surely pumpkin is the most egotistical of them all.  Moving their big orange ass in all the regular foods for an entire season! I mean really?!  My entire life for ten weeks is denying this shitty flavoring in my already delicious foods.

  “Would you like a pump of our Pumpkin Spice in your mocha?”  “No, thanks”

“You are getting a regular break on your sandwich.  How about adding our holiday Pumpkin bread instead?”   “Uhh, no.”

“How about a pumpkin cookie instead of the holy grail of cookies (chocolate chip)”    “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO!!!”

Besides, any flavor worth talking about is available all year.  Sure, pumpkins are only in season for a bit but so are strawberries and I can get that flavor pumped into any smoothie, pop tart or ice cream I want because it is a front stage flavor.  Not like pumpkin.  Which is sort of like that ex boyfriend  you had who said he was in “street-pharmaceuticals”.  After you gave him up for a few months, you thought it would be a good idea to hang out again.  Piece of Advice: ALWAYS A MISTAKE.

Myth 7:   Hoodie Weather!

You know what; I love a good hoodie just like anyone else.  Comfy, cozy and giving me the irresistible body shape of a marshmallow when you put it in the microwave.  But, this little ode to hoodies only counts for zip-ups in my case because my head is the size of large deformed watermelon.  You may ask “But Brittney, how have you been able to find friends, maintain healthy relationships and wear hats?” What a great question, thanks to the beauty of the curly fro, people are unaware of my deformity (and I don’t wear hats).  However, nothing can slam me back to reality quite like the pull-over hoodie.  This think is apparently made for people with regular sized noggins, which is NOT ME! Pulling those things over this head is like suffocating in a sea of cotton for a thirty seconds while it feels like my head is being birthed into a new world.  Oh, did that sentence make you uncomfortable? I assure you it is only 12% as uncomfortable as putting on a hoodie makes me!

Myth 8:  I can’t wait to get all pre-industrial with it and pick my own apples!

Okay, first off I love apples.  They are delicious and have cool names like Jazz, Fuji and Honeycrisp (all top picks for my first born).  Also, if you are low on drug money, eat one before you go to sleep and watch the most warped tripped out dreams your subconscious can construct come to realization.   But I also discovered this thing called a grocery store, where they pile up a shit-ton of these multicolored orbs and let me have the one of my choosing! On the plus side, you can self-checkout this shit and charge it as bananas! 54 cents a pound? I think yes!

But if you are a sadist, I suppose you can go and pick your own apples.  Trying to maneuver your way through a fucking maze (see #3) and pick your own food sounds like something that was designated as a modern day torture mechanism or like you just stepped into a time machine and (of all places) went to ride on the Oregon trial.  Good luck with that apple picking when your oxen dies of bad water and you break and axle.

Myth 9: Let’s go to the scariest haunted house ever, it’s going to be so much fun!

I have a love/hate relationship with haunted houses.  I always think it’s a good idea and then I get inside and feel like I’m going to die. Not like a “hahahahaha oh my gaud guys! That was so scary; I thought I was going to have a heart attack hahaha.” I mean like “Holy Shit, didn’t I see a news report of a serial killer who recently escaped from a local prison? Well, at least he had a nasty scar on his face so he is easily identifiable.  I mean where could he even hide with that kind of scar…..I mean some of the people in this place look like they have scars but it’s clearly makeu….WHAT THE FUCK? WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!” And that ladies and gentlemen, is how I make my haunted house exits-every time!

Myth 10: My carved pumpkin is going to live forever!

This is obviously a really personal topic since Pumpkinachi has been gone for a few weeks now.  No, it’s not because I was a great creator/friend to my carved squash friend but because one of my neighbors got tired of the new gang of quite volatile raccoon hanging out by our front door.  But here’s a picture of Pumpkinachi as he was and what he became all because of this EFFING season!

Fall took everything from him. Even his EYEBALLS!

Thanks for reading all! I am actually going to be posting weekly stories now.  So if you have any ideas be sure to leave a comment and I’ll definitely blog about it!

Peace!

The 10 LIES of Fall: Part 1

So, the other day my roommate called me a cynic and that made me pretty pissed off!  I mean I AM A NICE PERSON, OKAY!  But it got me to thinking about all the things I don’t like about life.  After I moved past all the drivers in the world,  those stickers on the edge of dvds and the lady who keeps turning off the light on me in the bathroom at work (I KNOW YOU KNOW I’M IN THERE) I ended up at fall.

Seeing how November just barricaded its way into my comfortable life, I thought I would address some of the interesting epiphanies I experienced this fall.  Every year it is the same bull crap about how wonderful fall is and how everyone is so excited to do all those unique fall things.  I’m calling bullshit.  Please read further for explanations about the myths of fall.   

Also, to anyone who thinks it is too early to talk about what I hated about fall- get OVER it.  Fall really only exists in October.   November is just a filler month to let you freak out about Christmas.  I mean thanksgiving is only getting like 30 minutes this year because black Friday stars at 7:00pm on Thursday! Outrageous!

Myth #1: I can’t wait for those beautiful leaves!

While jumping in brightly colored leaves seems like an exhilarating experience, any person over the age of 9 seen doing that is legally obligated to be judged.  Also, leaves don’t fall in perfectly shaped mounds off cloud-like fluff begging to be jumped on. You have to rake until your arms literally feel like they are going to fall off and then to have some kid jump in and destroy all the work you just did?! OH H-to-the-ELL NO! Especially, since that kid might land on one of the razor like tree branches that you also raked or some dog poop (gross).  Lastly, leaves outdoors mean leaves all up and around your carpeted house.  Fact: I spend 99% more of my time vacuuming up leaves than noticing their beauty (everything looks like brown dust in a bissle).

Myth #2: Carving pumpkins is going to be awesome!          

Now, I would like to preface this by saying- I do love a good Pumpkin carving party or PCP if you like acronyms (or are a drug addict). I mean you get to make a mess and craft something fantastic and pass it off as doing it for the kids.  But you know what happens roughly six days after you pour your heart and soul into this piece of holiday squash?! It starts to mold and die!  This does not fall into the fun category for me.

Myth #3: I cannot wait to go through this CORN MAZE!

Corn mazes have about 7-10 minutes of entertainment factor before anarchy breaks loose. Around minutes 12-15 you are panicking because you have no idea how to read a map and your cell phone gets no reception in a field of corn.  During minutes 17-20, you are considering what kind of shelter you can build out of corn but you can’t come up with any viable ideas because Survivor was never held in a corn maze.  Minutes 25-28, you are choosing which of your friends you will kill first to eat and keep the group alive.  And if you have to continue for more than 31+ minutes, you hope that kid Malachi from Children of the Corn comes and kills your for sacrifice to that scarecrow god because at this point, that would be a sweet release.

Myth #4: Dressing up for Halloween is going to be the best!

This one is the most depressing because when you were a child you were rewarded for a costume through free treats at strangers house (which on any day other than Halloween is complete unacceptable and uncomfortable). But when you get older, Trick or Treating is DEAD!  Now, you have to dress up to go out to a heavily crowded bar where everyone else dressed up but you have no idea what anyone is because you don’t have cable and there are too many pop culture references.  Then you have fourteen people ask you if you are something (Nicki Minaj) which you are CLEARLY not.  Your try to drown you sorrows in another cup of some watered down vodka drink while truly wishing you were at home  eating a whole bag of assorted chocolates while watching SVU. Hmmm…that might just be me.

Myth #5: It’s Candy Corn time!

Okay, so candy corn seems like a great idea.  All those festive colors, that adorable little shape and don’t even get me started on the pumpkin ones.  But, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.    If you eat 10 candy corns, your mouth taste like you coated it with corn syrup, molasses and sugar.   This is actually a genius ploy by the candy company because now the only things that will taste normal are MORE CANDY CORN! But beware, at 17 candy corns you are looking a pre-diabetes diagnosis, any more than 25, and we are on losing limb territory.

So, I have a few more myths I want to bust through but in order to keep my rant at a dull roar.  I decided to stick to 5 today.  Oh, and Christmas if you think your safe…you are wrong! Your time is swiftly approaching!

Happy Monday!

Ps. This blog entry is dedicated to my recently carved pumpkin.  My beautiful pumpkin-Pumpkinachi is currently molding to death on my porch. THANKS FALL!

RIP PUMPKINACHI: October 30^th –sometime early next week

A Fair Trade?

I've been thinking a lot about money in exchange for things-mainly because I never have any because I like to exchange my coins for gallons of espresso/milk/chocolate combinations-commonly referred to as a mocha. But the whole process of cash for stuff is so complicated, especially with the penny.  I mean come on USA! The only thing time a penny ever brings me joy is when I go to the St. Louis Zoo and they smash penny and put a picture of a gorilla on it. But even then, I have to dig around for TWO whole quarters to pay the machine to turn my penny into something better. What the frigging-frack is the penny still hanging around for?!  Anyway, I digress, back to mulah.  I suggest we go back to a simpler time of bartering. You know like I'll give you some bread for this potatoe.  However, I am NOT suggesting the feudal system which was more like "Here I'll give you this land for a your whole life of underpaid labor and food."   At one point in every individuals life they experienced first hand the joy of the bartering system.

I mean if you want to see that system in it's prime, watch two kids under the age of 8 with literally anything in their hands.

"Hey, I'll trade you this leaf and my right shoe for that marble."
"Okay!"

Seriously, that's a trade that I saw go down once.  But I also have some experience with bartering.  There is one in particular that really stood out.

When I was about seven or eight, I was cruising the streets of my neighborhood in a top-of-the-line candy red tricycle.  This bike was probably built for a four or five year old and brakes were non-existent but With my knee slightly grazing the edge of the handlebars everytime I propelled myself forward...I wasn't really worried about stopping anyway.

Anyway, I used to pull that sucker out in the morning time like I had someplace to be and throw a creepy rag doll on the small back step and we'd be off.  We only had two options.  A) ride to the street corner where there was a pretty awesome fire hydrant and a stop sign-check out the hustle and bustle of the neighborhood and ride back roughly 321 per day.  B).  Ride around my back yard in circles.  Do you know how hard it is to ride a tricycle that you are pushing about 10pds over the weight limit in grass?! Impossible.  B, as a result, was never chosen.

Now, I had received a pink and purple bike with stickers you can put on yourself a year before but my mom never put the training wheels on, so that was NOT going to happen.   I was the weird kid who accidentally swallowed a quarter when trying to hide it from my mom and my grandma FREAKED out and sent me to the emergency room mumbling about how she "Hoped I would make it" as I walked to the car. Basically, with my accident-prone lifestyle and over-reactive family there was no way I was getting on that two wheel trap of death.  

But one day, my grandma's friend and local preacher came over and he brought his son over.  So, they were all chatting and this kid was eyeing my tricycle.  It was hard not to, that candy red paint called to the children like the pied-piper of the Midwest. So, as the good  child I was I let him ride around a couple of times.  Watching other kids rid on your tricycle is sort of like hearing about other people's vacations. It sucks.  At first you think it might be interesting, but you secretly just wish it was you.  So I eventually wandered into the house to watch some powerangers and try to sneak a push-pop.  This is when the whole thing went down.  

As I was enjoying my afternoon show, my grandma strolls in like a mob boss and say "Brittney, I have a proposition for you.  I want you to give your tricycle to the preachers son and bring respect to our family" (Okay maybe those aren't the exact words but the memory has gotten a little foggy over the years.)

So, I simply say "No! Come on grandma, I need that tricycle to do stuff!" 

And then my grandma pulls out the big guns.  She say's the five words that brought me to my knees, broke down any opposition I had and ultimately defeated me.  Those words were: "I'll give you a doughnut."

A doughnut. One doughnut. In case you think this word has been lost in translation please look below for the well crafted flow chart.

This is a doughnut.  For anyone who had an absurd amount of faith in me and thought the word doughnut was street slang for money or season passes to six flags, no such luck.  It wasn't even a FANCY doughnut. Just a regular, glazed , basic doughnut.








This shinny red fella is a tricycle. So, there really isn't much to say about this guy-I'm pretty sure there is no street translation for tricycle. (DISCLAIMER: Do NOT type tricycle in to urban dictionary to discover if there is in fact an alternative definition .)


So, back to this trade.  Obviously, I did in fact give my tricycle away for a glazed doughnut. This situation taught me a few things about myself:

1) I don't understand trade values at all.  You know that great metaphor of learning to fish or getting a bag of fish.  I would be the person who takes just one fish if it was ready to eat and trade a boat for it.
           a. I also might not really completely understand metaphors-or that one at least.

2) I'm not really concerned with long term concequences.  Do you know how much slower it was to get to my street corner on foot.  Me and that creepy rag doll would solomly drag ourselves to the corner and I swear she used to look at me accusingly.  Those little button eyes screamed "ONE DONUT? REALLY!?!"

3) Maybe my grandma though I was too big and looked ridiculous on that little tricycle but do you have any idea how ridiculous I looked after I traded it for one regular glazed donut? Come on! This leads me to believe my grandma hated me...not really... but maybe.

4) Patience is a virtue I will never posses. The best (and worst) part about this story is that it wasn't like I did not already have a doughnut that day.  In fact, my Grandma and I got up and went to Dunkin Donuts and bought a dozen doughnuts.  Before this whole situation went down, I was already guaranteed SIX DOUGHNUTS!

Luckily, it's been roughly 16 years since then and I've acquired a few more critical thinking skills but this situation taught me something about myself.  I would love to say that situation taught me a sea of knowledge about trading things and the value of some items over others but honestly I'd probably trade a lot of things for a donut right now. The one thing I did learn is that remembering stories like these make others laugh and me questions my grandmothers parenting skills.  But that's what life is all about really.

Anyways, thanks for checking out my post.  I will be going back through my life and picking out other painful memories to share but until then don't let your friends trade things for doughnuts.

Ps. I'm dedicating this post to Willie H.  Despite my very long breaks between posts, he is really supporting me sharing my ridiculous life via blog. Haha thanks W.

Hoarders: Nail Polish Edition

I think we can all admit that TLC brings a lot of quality to all of our lives. Say yes to the dress, Sisterwives, Hoarders, Intervention- which when I think about it, it could just be a chronological journey of a very sad troubled person.  But basically, Hoarders is by far the most near and dear to my heart in terms of horror and hilarity. 

I mean if I am being completely honest-an rarely am I not-I think horders is funny to anyone who is not a horder or who doesn't really know one. Because I mean really when we break it down, it's a bunch of people who don't want to throw away trash. To add insult to injury it usually comes on right after intervention , where people are addicted to CRACK.  So, I really struggle with taking that show seriously-the the crescendo of the dramatic string quartet sometimes makes it difficult.

Though I don't really take this show seriously, I think if they come up with a cosmetic edition I have a pretty good chance of making the cut.  I have about 800 nail polishes and they are all fabulous.

So, I wanted to take the chance to go through my favorites for these hot summer months.

The Pastels: 

These pastel leaders, some may say, are for the spring flowers but honey it's spring somewhere and there is NO way I am letting these colors slip away for the summer season:

   (Innocent by Sinful Colors, Unicorn by Sinful Colors, Mint Creme by Elf, Crush On You by Orly)

The Nudes: 

These risky colors are baring it all- and I like!

                  (French Touch by NYX, San Tan-tonio by OPI, Fast Track by China Glaze)

*Fast Track has a beautiful gold shimmer to it-defintely one of my favorite nudes with pizzazz 

The Brights: 

These colors scoff at the nudes. They loudly demand to be seen heard and fabulous (as do I when I wear them). 

(Hazard by Sinful Colors, Shower Together by China Glaze, Heatwave by Wet & Wild, Gaga for Green by China Glaze, Pull Over by Sinful Colors)

 *Gaga for green is MUCH brighter than it appears-Imagine is Kermit the frog got a chemical peel-it's that kinda bright! 

The Loner: 

She rides the world not speaking a word because she is in a world of her own. This color is my favorite to wear on the tosies during the summer.  Putting glitter polish on my toe nails is like painting them with concrete-it NEVER moves.  As a busy girl, I like a polish that is never leaving my side/toes! 

Medallion by China Glaze

And there you go- the beautiful summer collection! If you have a favorite polish, don't you DARE keep it to yourself.  Sharing is caring : ) 

Till next time, stay glamorous