July- The Death of the New Year's Resolution

So, it's almost August! That's kinda bonkers, right?! Birds are chirping, flowers are springing and I found something called a wolf spider on my sweater last night. Just effing peachy!

I'd put a picture up for everyone but honestly when I typed that crap into google images, I felt like this OMG chair.


 So, let's just move forward.

Because  there is a more important discussion to be had than the massive arachnids trying to weasel their way into my living quarters. Lets talk New Year's Resolutions.

Now, if you are a regular individual, three things are probably running through your head.

1. Aren't you a little early for New Year's Resolutions? 
2. Are people still doing those?
3. What does Resolution mean? (Seriously, the literacy rate in this country is tragic-but that's neither here nor there) 

Okay, just to preface, I am not on crack  (because it's whack) and I don't want to talk about your New Year's Resolutions for 2014 because honestly we might all be dead because of the zombie apocalypse   And I'm not one of those "Put all my eggs in one basket" types. We are here to talk about your dead resolutions. 

Yeah. I said it. Dead.

DEAD!

Let's face it, resolutions are like saying "These are the plans that are probably only going to come into realization if the internet shuts down for a year and someone closes my local food mart. Forever." So, right now I'm going to go through my top five resolutions and why they suck so hard.  So you don't feel bad about killing your dreams for the year five months in. 

1. Eat Healthy/ Live at the Gym: Oh holy baby Jesus.  It is the holy grail of New Year's resolutions. And here is the part about it that I hate-it is like a given for 95% of the population to be down for this every year!!  So, like clock work there are 29 million people in my gym imagining themselves bikini ready for summer because they are having this post holiday feeling.

All the while the winter weather literally strikes up a deal with the devil to make you believe summer doesn't exists  anymore.  

You ever see that movie 30 days of night? Where Josh Harnet and some chick have to avoid getting eaten by vampires for a long ass time but it's hard because umm...well... there are 30 effing days of night. That basically describes the months of December through March for me.  Except instead of getting eaten by vampires, I'm worried the skinny people at the gym are going to eat me.

....is that weird? Nevermind. 

2. I'm going to be Martha Steward Organized: Now this is a daunting task because Martha Steward is like crazy organized.  I have a theory she doesn't even know what clutter is- she probably thinks it is in the same realm as unicorns and the boogyman. Basically, she has her shit together (minus that brief prison stint). 

But the problem is, in order for me to get organized, I have to start organizing my shit and that is a nightmare.  Last year, I found an unopened Jolt Cola in my closet.  Oh, you never heard of Jolt Cola? That's probably because they filled for bankruptcy in 2009. 

And anyway, getting organized is so overrated.  EVERYONE wants to be organized.  But you, you can be different.  You can give the middle finger to Crate & Barrel and set all of those drawer organizers on fire.  You can be the individual who a robber can't even steal from because they can't find anything! YOU CAN BE THE NEXT FEATURE ON TLC'S HOARDERS!

I'm just saying, dream big.

3.  I'm going to actually finish my task list:  I was about to checking finishing this blog of my task list but...then I found the gif of this monkey.  Whoops.

Ps. What do you think this monkey in the front it thinking about? Mambo #5? Beyonce's Single Ladies? "Too the windooooooowww, To the walls!"