Let me preface this document by saying, there is nothing I won't type into the Google search bar. I mean NOTHING. Because after a while, I am weak when it comes to useless information and curiosity. It would be misleading for me to let you think I was researching the evolution of String Theory when I was actually looking up all the actors of Different Strokes on IMDB.
So, the other day I was perusing my favorite search engine and I thought I would find out what the world says about texting a guy back. You can laugh if you want (I WANT YOU TO!). I mean I'm 24 years old and I have the same amount of game as my 9 year old brother. And he has *chicklet teeth. So, I wanted to see what are some generic tips on how to text someone. Honestly, I felt like I was overusing my favorite phases of Okie Dokie and Coolio.
So, here I am. With the privacy of my home and the security of the "clear browser history" button at my finger tips, I type "texting dudes". Clearly, we are already starting off on the right foot. Anyways, the first hit on Google is from a website called Betty Confidential titled "5 Savy Text Messages to Drive Any Guy Crazy." Sounds great, right? Honestly, my first thought was "I hope they don't mean like Chris Brown/domestic battery crazy?" Luckily, I was correct. However, this website lends some of the WORST ADVICE EVER. And you know it has to be bad when it is coming from a girl who thinks the US needs to stop trying to send shit up into space and work on my fucking refrigerator-microwave*.
But no need to take my opinion-lets have a look together.
#5: "Who is this?" Essentially this little one is supposed to "throw them off their game"
What the hell are you talking about? Sure, it might throw someone off their game if that means thinking they accidentially texted their mom. Or that that you all of a sudden went 50 First Dates on them. Or possibly thinking you are a geriatric who doesn't understand how to work a cell phone. Trust me, nothing shuts down game like mothers, old people and Adam Sandler*.
#4: "Sorry bad reception. Call you tomorrow." That beautifully constructed message is suppose to have him wondering what your doing. The best part? They say to NOT actually call him tomorrow. Why? 'Because he definitely will."
Riiiight....I do vaguely remember something from my common sense library about breaking promises being the foundation for a good relationship. Oh wait, that was from my crazy person library. Nevermind.
#3. "Cool" This is supposed to be a response to something he wants to do with you. Like "I want to take you out to dinner." "Cool."
Now, I know I still use 'coolio' in a lot of text messages but it's autosaved and quick to find. But do people even just say the word cool anymore. And this response makes you sound like a drugg! Not just from girl to guy but from girl to the entire universe or galaxy (honestly I have no idea which one is bigger-nvm google says universe).
#2 "Good to hear from you" You are suppose to say this with NO sarcasm (which I'm sure is completely identifiable to the people taking this advice via text). This is for the guy who didn't text you back for a while and make him think you didn't mind because you were busy meeting soooooo many amazing people.
Seriously? Good to hear from you? That's not a piece of advice-that's just a thing people say. This is a completely normal and unassuming response. But the scary thing is, we now have waves of young people running around saying everyday things thinking they are genius. Imagine a kid just walking around saying stuff like "Have a good one." "Good morning" "Some weather we got" And in his head he's thinking "Better clear out my social calendar and watch the hoes come a runnin".
#1: "Thanks sexy. X"
I have only three rules in life: 1) Don't hang out with people you aren't confident can't count to 100 without pausing. 2) Never go through with any situation that seems like it could be the beginning of a horror movie. 3) Never use letters in text messages if you haven't urban dictionaried that shit. This rules have never led me astray.
I'm smart enough to figure out "x" is a kiss or the person is prepared to ingest some MDMA or exstacy. But what I don't get is why you have to end every text message with this phrase. Really? You don't think this could come off a little crazy. He's like "Good Night" "Thanks sexy. X" Okay. Or "You look really nice today" "Thanks sexy. X" (Also Okay) but "Hey, do you want to hang out" "Thanks sexy. X" (No) "Do you even like me" :"Thanks sexy. X" (this is bad) " WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!" "Thanks sexy. X"
Overall, it really is terrible advice. But what can I say I brought it on myself, my low confidence in my texting skills drove me into the arms of Google once more and unfortunately they led me astray. Till next time "Who are you?"
